Monthly Archives: January 2021

I wish I could feel things the way you do

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I wish I could feel things the way you do, my sweet boy.

I want to understand.

I didn’t know sound could physically, deeply hurt until you showed me.

I see you fold your precious ears in on themselves, an attempt to mute the overwhelming world.  That doesn’t usually work though. So, you quietly, nervously, moan. This slowly grows in intensity and frequency until your shrieking blocks out the unwanted sound or it’s removed. Whichever comes first.

I want to explain to others how you feel inside during these moments.  The way your senses hide and seek all the input from the world around you so differently than most of ours do. 

Others should know that anxiety and sensory processing difficulties ride shotgun with your autism diagnosis. Together, as a team, they run interference and wreak havoc on your peace. Every hour of every day.  

I could tell them that the seemingly small, simplest of sounds are like the proverbial “nails on a chalkboard” multiplied to the nth degree to you. But that probably sounds silly to you. I know you feel so much more than my words can describe. 

I want them to know in these moments you need space.  To let you moan and shriek. That you can’t hear anything else once you feel this way.

You’re practicing wearing your headphones and we’re so proud of you. But I know this only dulls the sound and you need it to cease to exist in this world before you feel calm in your heart again.

I remember when you were little, we took the batteries out of so many toys, puzzles, and games because they were so distressing.  The things we thought you would love made you cower in my lap at times.

I know that sometimes, even familiar sounds or music that make you happy tend to also overwhelm you so much so that you need to block them out just like the other, unwanted ones. I’m sorry it took me some time to understand this.

I see the way you are constantly ready to protect yourself.  Like when we visit the horses. They are so big and unpredictable, aren’t they? In those moments of silence, you are ready.

Every day you work on tolerating more. You do this for your sister, your dad, and I. You practice because you have the most curious heart and you want to explore this big, unpredictable world, even though it’s so overwhelming.

You’re so brave.

I’ll never feel the way you do, my boy. But I’ll never stop trying.

About Wilson’s Mama

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I want to thank each of you for being here. By following along with Wilson’s journey and learning more about autism, you’re helping us in our mission to make the world a more patient, kind, and inclusive place to be and that means so much to us.

One of my hopes in starting this blog was to connect and relate with other autism families and help them not feel alone. The support we have found from this incredible community in return has been all that I didn’t know I had needed.

While I much prefer to talk about my sweet boy, I do love a good name-with-face, or in this case, name-with-a-voice connection so I wanted to share a little about myself, the writer/voice here at Wilson’s Climb.

I’m Lauren, Wilson’s mama, pictured here with the rest of our wild crew: my husband David, and Wilson’s little sister, Charlie. Watch for more on dad and sis in the coming months!

Some fun facts about me:

I majored in Journalism and Spanish.  When Wilson was completely non-verbal, I used to have dreams where we would talk to each other in Spanish.  It was like we had found the missing piece, the connection, and could communicate with complete ease. I’m so excited for that day to come.

I’ve jumped out of an airplane. Surprisingly, once the cord was pulled, that was the most peace and quiet I have ever felt in my life. I am not that brave or reckless anymore.

I love long walks with friends, candles, country music, and afternoons spent at the winery. Now this is starting to sound like a dating app bio so let’s get back on track…

I used to own two ice cream shops. When I drive by them now, I think about all my blood, sweat, and tears that are still in there. Small business owners are some of the most hard-working, persevering souls out there, especially right now. On the day Wilson was born, I was in my hospital bed while on the phone with the credit card processing company because our machines were down that day.

I’ll admit I have a shoe and graphic t-shirt obsession.  Some say I have a graphic t-shirt for every occasion. I can’t help it! I love words. They mean something and they start conversations.

I used to be an adaptive ski instructor.  I got to teach people with diverse abilities from paralyzed veterans, to children with Muscular Dystrophy, Tourette’s Syndrome, or hearing/vision impairments.  The mountains and the slopes are my happy place, and everyone should be able to experience them.  This passion of mine also influenced the name of this blog.

I think seeing yourself in your kids is both amazing and terrifying. My daughter is going to be a handful (remember how I jumped out of that plane?!) and payback is hell. My mom reminds me of that. And my grandma reminded her of that when I was young.

Becoming a mom and autism mom has been the most vulnerable experience of my life. It has been a heart bursting adventure and heart aching at times.

I reevaluate sharing my precious boy on such a public platform all the time.  The world can be big, ugly, and mean. I always come back to the realization that Wilson has changed me in the best ways, and he just might do that for others.

He has so much to share with the world. I’m just his voice, for now.

Cheers to so much love and happiness in 2021!

Xo,

Lauren

The mountains and the slopes are my happy place, and everyone should be able to experience them.